Are we all narcissists? Can we truly love and be loved?

(By Hella Ahmed) It’s outdated philosophy to think that all humans are made the same and that we shouldn’t deny in ourselves what we deeply dislike in others including those who hurt us and disrespect our boundaries. Narcissism is a concept that is all about our nature, development and evolution, but not all brains are wired the same (autism and psychopathy, which are very different from one another, are good examples of natural disparities that can be reinforced or managed for better social interactions by education and structuring experiences). Nurturing as well as the environmental atmospheres that shape personality traits (from biological bases to origins, various trajectories, natural predispositions, and in the development course) are substantially different.

We know better

A strong trend in a behavioural profile shows us what is happening on a continuum and gives us information about emotional regulation and coping mechanisms. We also need to keep in mind that « resilience » and « coping » are two different concepts even though both are dependant on “given options” (and I am letting you do your own research about it). “Given” in the sense of concrete direct help provided by people, or possibilities in an environment where progress and change can happen, because during times or war for example, stress and hyper vigilance are predominant states, enduring and fighting for survival are necessary, exactly like what happens when you are stuck in an abusive relationship, when you are the member of a secluded community, or entangled in a sect using mental manipulation and coercive control.

We are all narcissists in some degree, but the “emotional disconnection” that comes with extreme selfishness, the need to control people, make profit through abuse, and the strive to derive pleasure from witnessing the hurt and/or defeat of others (and more specifically sabotaged targets) characterize the extreme narcissism of toxic personalities. Although being a toxic personality has always something to do with extreme narcissism, the intent to hurt others is not necessarily there, or is there in an « infantile” form which is different from the one that comes with the “emotional disconnection” of the persistent pragmatic individual who is most of the time very much composed when scheming to assert dominance.

Odd dependency and mentalization

Figuring out the internal states of other humans and sometimes their own, particularly in times of crisis, can be very challenging for dependent people with non efficient mentalization1. They may be inclined to blame others for their own emotional stress. Having a particular way of feeling abandoned, they panic often and quickly when they fear a “void of connection”. People they need to be in contact with are sometimes unavailable, setbacks happen, all of that can be a trigger for crisis. Sometimes, being in a relationship with major miscommunication that can’t be easily tackled because of distinctive issues on both sides is ultimately the cause of extreme continuous emotional distress for the dependent person. Let’s not forget that all the partners involved can be presenting that same particularity of being dependent, making a proper communication even more harder to achieve.

Let’s say that heir emotional regulation is based on constant validation and indispensable reassurance, and that it is the consequence of some sides of their system being immature. The emotional thrill must be continuously revived and tamed; a calming interaction is the ultimate remedy for the pain that being a singular entity in the world is regularly causing them. I’d rather explain it surgically and mechanically than talk about a personality disorder, because a lot of people are told that they have emotional volatility and that they will most probably always need guidance to be able to make sense of their own feelings and those of others, putting them in a survival mode depending on exterior input and a support system. But, it is not really about permanent characteristics, it has to do with a non-efficient mechanism2 that can be fixed, a shaky process that can be bettered.

Creativity and individuality

Creativity experts are very much aware of the importance of activating the capacity for storytelling (which is different from self narration that focuses mostly on oneself) as well as visualization. It makes a world larger than self of access; the suffering main character is not always the hurt « self ». The more space we give other subjectivities in our imagination, the less we are caught up in a narcissistic loop of suffering, with no exists, we are thus led to explore the scope outside ourselves which nevertheless becomes accessible through an elaboration resulting from the productive entanglement of the imaginary and the real, until objectivity gets to dominate more and more the stories.

This exploration that is about the inside welcoming a partly assumed outside made of emotions and singularities we accept to let be helps us get closer to what authenticity can mean after an evaluation in retreat (the one that leads to a communication based on understanding and cooperation). It is a process affirming a separation which also brings independence to the self. A proudly embodied individuality is the outcome of this complex process that we, specialists, can help to make fluid and light, even though some difficult phases, very demanding emotionally, are always part of the circuit. By giving up on the impossible ideal of a good world which reassures when needed and saves us from loneliness, we get to figure out that nothing can be taken for granted and that no one is perfect.

Hope facing destruction

A narcissist who makes elaborate plans to dominate and hurt others has in fact a “not mature” way of being connected to people, being demeaning and controlling excites him very much. A fluid communication is not as interesting as it is demanding for this selfish person because concessions would have to be made then, caring for others’ emotions and well-being would become necessities, the self loses it’s over the top position as egotism is not compatible with treating others fairly.

When we are dealing with someone who thinks he has nothing to claim because everything is due to him, we get to observe the behavioural profile of a narcissist who feels entitled and voluntarily chooses vice. Someone who sees his family and close people with shared financial and political interests (misogyny is also a major facilitator of friendship and intimacy between people with a conscious or internalized tendency towards misogyny) as extensions of himself usually considers other humans whom he has chosen to give some attention to as disposable additions.

When you do not respect and tolerate the singularity of your fellow humans, you see them as mostly means, utilities, abstract forms to name and use as you wish. On the other hand, if the call of kindness can be heard by the dependent narcissist, the connection to others has the potential to become healthy with the help of improved mentalization. There is a huge difference between toxic individuals who take pride in hurting others and toxic people who are trying to make sense of their sensations and relationship to the world; it is the capacity to make the effort of relating to others with empathy and compassion. 

Who will save us?

I think that we should ask more often, when we feel pressured, what do you expect from me? What do you want? What can you give? And restart from there. If we don’t like the answers, we know where to stand and maybe negotiating is the thing to do. If they don’t answer because they don’t know for sure, we let them think about it. And if they don’t answer to keep us confused, serving their personal selfish agendas, the chapter should be closed. If they refuse to respect our boundaries, it’s their problem, no one has to comply with what is not compatible with self-respect and legitimate expectations. 

No one can save us from the outside world and from ourselves, when our emotions become stormy, we may need some support to make it through, but we also need to learn to not be completely dependent on another mentality, we have to build our own. Everyone has a singular world, people meet us to love us, to hurt us, or to simply be indifferent to our happiness and/or suffering. Each ­­­one of us is an island of loneliness, we are sailing ships, and connecting on good terms can change our trajectories to potentially make us very happy.

Love and connection

Emotions are in our hands and so is healing, it is a fact that loneliness can bring us a lot of sadness, therefore we need love, we need connection, a soothing physical and spiritual touch. My advice is to not over estimate the virtue of patience, to not keep waiting without having a plan, thinking things will eventually change for the better, that a miracle will save you and free you. If you miss the train time after time, you end up dying silenced, and no one will really care about the despair that killed your hopes.

1 Mentalization refers to people’s ability to reflect on and understand their own state of mind and the state of mind of others. Mentalization is thought to be learned through a secure attachment to the caregiver. Merck Manual for the professional.

2 Mentalization-based treatment helps patients do the following: effectively regulate their emotions (eg. calm down when upset), understand how they contribute to their problems and difficulties with others, reflect on and understand the minds of others. It thus helps them relate to others with empathy and compassion. Merck Manuel for the professional.

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