Distance and toxic couple dynamics …

(By Hella Ahmed) Toxic dynamics in couples involve a lot of mind games. Some situations can also unfortunately ruin the lives of other people (who would prefer clarity) when the partners get romantically or sexually entangled with them while still not being able to figure out the actual official/unofficial state of their serious relationship. It is immature and destructive

Let’s illustrate some toxic situations when it comes to space/physical distance. I’ve seen posts online lately of women complaining about not being treated with regard, in public, by their companions. The following few hypothesis inspired by reality, I will be discussing, do not obviously cover every possible scenario, but they give food for thought to face the hidden truths.

In and out

– If a man has a habit of not walking beside but a few steps in front of the woman he’s intimate with, in public events or everyday life, he’s obviously showing a distance. If they are officially a couple and he is behaving this way, he’s clearly projecting the idea that he’s single when he is not. Maybe he already is mentally single, but practically, he is not.

– Being physically distant can also be a way of psychologically hurting the partner by publicly showing disregard. And it can also simply be the reflection of a controlling attitude. The dominant partner acting superior is then simply the obvious norm in the couple dynamics.

– If it’s a cultural thing, it can be lived peacefully, not involving any hostility between the two (even tough it is unfair), or it can be showing a dominance identified as such and felt as such by both partners. So the power is on one side and that would be the norm, which is of course unfair.

– By repeatedly acting distant, a man can be pushing his woman to leave him. And so, his behaviour is more of a childish way to end the relationship than an abusive attitude.

– A man can also be keeping a woman around to be arrogant, showing to potential prospects that he would be very much interested in a better situation by filling the spot that is literally empty (and not really vacant at the same time, since she’s the one there and not someone else. Maybe he just can’t find a compatible mate and he doesn’t mind her being very much involved even though he wants to make a point about being single and available. And maybe no one would ever wait for him to finally really make up his mind, clarify his situation and move on assertively).

– If she is the one insisting on being a « fluid girlfriend, » she’s clinging to someone who has already broken up with her, but she just will not leave the $pot by his side (the irony, she walks behind) open to be taken by another woman. They are hurting each other (and others), and if she complains (she is the only one who can actually complain, because she is the one being publicly humiliated by his distant posture, she looks mistreated even though she’s choosing to stick with it), she is expressing herself about being unhappy with the situation and actually hoping for better, for something he doesn’t have the heart to give her, because when he is in love (like he has maybe proved it in the past, with her or with someone else), he is very capable of publicly walking beside his chosen one and not in front of her like she is desperately hanging on to him.The arrangement is not really satisfying and toxicity is in the air, not love.

Semi-separation

Children are often involved when a semi-separated couple gets used to toxic dynamics over time. Everything gets played around managing some situations without shaking up too much things, thus choosing to ignore the dysfunctional communication and keep going even though it is hurtful to themselves and others. Selfishness is part of their games.

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