Biology, Mindset, and Authenticity

(By Hella Ahmed) Many people confuse the “games of manipulation tied to the effects of attachment hormones” with being in love. They perceive reactions of dependency, the thrill of possessing another, or the urge to retaliate against someone who rejects their expressed or felt desire as rather healthy components of the “game of being in love.” But it’s all far more complicated than it should be. Buddhism teaches that when we meet a compatible partner, we feel at peace, not anxious. I agree, though I’m neither Buddhist nor an expert in Buddhism (it’s just that tranquility is a pretty cool idea).

Being in love should soothe and enrich us, placing us in a state of calm we need. It shouldn’t be seen as a game but rather as an opportunity to invest in strengthening efforts that brighten and nurture a blossoming romance. I’d tell anyone, at any age: be with someone kind, caring, and honest, and enjoy life’s greatest joys together—otherwise, it’s not worth it. All that time wasted arguing, feeling angry, and plotting in vain to get back at the other will never come back! Time is precious; use it wisely.

The Mystery Of Falling In Love 

There’s undeniably a physical attraction (beyond our control) and a mental connection that happen simultaneously when we fall in love. Mental attraction amplifies physical desire in the case of an intense and viable connection. The reverse can also occur, with physical attraction enhancing mental chemistry, though this can be misleading. Humans are skilled at self-deception when they want their desires to become reality, which can lead to toxic relational dynamics.

Maturity brings a better understanding of this whole picture, of all the elements at play in love. Some people develop a keen awareness of themselves and others more quickly. Those who take longer may be more drawn to drama or, unfortunately, prone to creating it for others if they’re narcissistic.

And there’s more than one soulmate for everyone. Some people fall in love with multiple individuals at once—it’s documented. But generally, when we feel truly at ease with someone, we lose ourselves in them, in the best way. That person occupies our thoughts, acting as a shield that protects our special bond and, by extension, our commitment when we meet others.

When it comes to meeting a soulmate, it’s not just about romance. Friendship can also embody kindness paired with deep complicity. That said, meeting people has become incredibly difficult due to social media and widespread mistrust. Modern times reveal a performative honesty, exposing many visible contradictions.

True Happiness Is Attractive

Of course, some act out of self-interest, whether for money or desire; love isn’t pristine! It’s always a negotiation, and loving involves taking a risk. The better we understand that risk, the better we can choose. And if your judgment was off, you can change your mind and move on. Too much risk in love becomes absurd—it’s no longer about “romance” but about adrenaline and dangerous games, perhaps the kind of reckless love that’s more about self-adoration through possessing another and triumphing, rather than genuine intimacy.

The irony is that those who think they can possess or objectify another cannot truly possess themselves. Freedom also means being aware of our true nature: flesh, bones, and consciousness. When we see another as an object, we become a “thing” ourselves, for all humans are made the same; there are no demigods or masters.

I love seeing people happy! It’s attractive. And I’m not talking about a fake happiness, like that displayed by those who profit from others’ efforts to shine in their place, perhaps by claiming opportunities or successes that aren’t theirs. Nor is it those forced smiles at events where others, perhaps less qualified, take coveted spots, leaving a sense of injustice or exclusion.

True happiness, the kind that isn’t staged, is always wonderful to see. Anything orchestrated to hurt or belittle others reveals a fragility, a clumsy attempt to compensate for an inner lack. Life is better, more authentic, and more fulfilling when we focus on our own aspirations and manage to create for ourselves.

Can You Sacrifice Happiness for Love?

Well, love is supposed to bring happiness! So love yourself, and you’ve already secured a good share of it. If life grants you the love of a caring family, good friends, fair and loyal colleagues, or one or more romantic partners, you’ll be fulfilled. If you don’t love yourself, you risk attracting, accepting, or seeking toxic relationships, which will inevitably undermine your happiness.

How to Love Yourself?

Know your worth, acknowledge your flaws, learn, grow, and don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want done to you as a person deserving of respect and gratitude. Don’t take credit for others’ ideas or hard work, don’t appropriate their successes, and don’t steal their investments or life projects.

Karma always strikes, one way or another! No one who has deliberately and calculatedly wronged another escapes it. The boomerang makes its way and returns unexpectedly to hit hard.

Hella Ahmed 2022 © All rights reserved – Find my books on Amazon