Navigating Selfishness in Romance

Yes, it’s entirely possible. Many people profess deep love while acting in ways that prioritize their own needs over their partner’s. I’ve seen those who are genuinely enamored yet so caught up in their own comfort, desires, or ego that they neglect the person they claim to cherish. They might treat their partner more like an accessory—someone expected to meet their needs without reciprocation—and then feel hurt or confused when their partner pulls away. It’s a kind of entitlement, a belief that their love should be enough, even if it comes at the expense of their partner’s well-being.

Selfishness and the grip 

This selfishness often arises from deeper causes: insecurity, emotional immaturity, or past experiences that make self-preservation feel safer than vulnerability. In some cases, this selfishness can take a more toxic form, as seen in manipulative narcissists who often flaunt manipulative behavior to prove they can control others and get what they want, no matter what. 

Many people are naturally drawn to intelligence, but being smart doesn’t equate to being kind. When oxytocin surges and manipulation takes hold, individuals may find themselves caught in the thrill and intensity, unable to pause and make sense of the situation or seek healthier ways to find excitement. This can fuel a desire to remain someone’s primary source of romance, affection, and sexual fulfillment, no matter the cost. Understanding one’s needs from a mindful perspective isn’t instinctive; our biology drives us toward passion, connection, touch, and reproduction. Cultivating self-awareness can help break free from manipulative traps and foster healthier connections. Even mature individuals can get trapped, but having the capacity to reevaluate and make conscious choices is the key to liberation.

Some people don’t even realize their behaviour, mistaking a one-sided dynamic for passion or devotion. Others, aware they could give more, choose not to, indulging in habits that feed their ego or spare them the effort of genuine empathy. They may profess boundless compassion, but their actions reveal a gap between their words and their behaviour.

Can this pattern be broken?

Absolutely, but it’s not easy. A serious wake-up call—like rejection or seeing the pain they’ve caused—can push someone to confront their behaviour. But change takes time, self-reflection, and often a painful unraveling of old habits. Meanwhile, the partner who’s been neglected may carry deep hurt, sometimes leading to regret or resentment. By the time the selfish person starts to change, their partner may have moved on or begun healing from the wounds of being undervalued. Selfishness in love can leave you empty, chasing something you didn’t realize you’d already lost. Love is sacred, like nourishment for the soul—don’t toss it aside, trample it, and expect it to remain whole and sustaining.

Yes, you can be selfish and in love, not just with a partner but also with a romantic prospect. People can claim to feel deep affection while acting in ways that prioritize their own needs, treating the other person poorly—ignoring their feelings, using them for validation, or expecting them to fulfill one-sided desires. When rejected, these individuals often feel insulted or confused, blind to the hurt they’ve caused. They might see the rejection as a personal attack rather than a natural response to their selfish behaviour, failing to recognize that their actions pushed the prospect away. This originates from the same roots: insecurity, emotional immaturity, or a sense of entitlement that blinds them to the other person’s experience. Change is possible but requires facing the pain they’ve inflicted and unraveling those self-centered habits. By then, the prospect may have already moved on, leaving the selfish person grappling with a loss they didn’t see coming.

Love, even in its earliest stages, demands care—treating it carelessly risks breaking something that could have been beautiful.

Hella Ahmed © Tous droits réservés – Find my books on Amazon