You can’t find love when being strong made you powerless!

(By Hella Ahmed) I am writing a whole book about this, so I will not be pouring everything in this paper since I have a few copycat stalkers on my back who can’t mind their own business, collecting directly from my websites or my Substack page something to re-write. Also, spying has become a real tool for sick plagiarists, they want your manuscripts to publish them with a name that is not yours. 

Let’s go back to the real subject of this piece: Love and connection. Writing this, I can’t help but feel a little like Carrie in Sex and the city, and I was never fond of that monologue of hers, reading a piece, I used to just drift away or press fast forward to cut right through to the action parts. I realized, again today, that it is much easier to dive back into the unreal world, longing for a virtual entity, than deal with what a lot of men bring to what is called “the game of love”.

Online love happens

Couples meet on apps, they do. They get along, start actually dating, not just hanging out, and end up getting married. I am personally in a phase where I lost hope about dating, because I choose the organic way to meet, but I still do believe that an online little spark can be the start of something big. Meeting prospects with real potential doesn’t seem possible for a lot of women. In my case, I am not travelling, I am writing a lot and I have not been on the ground working in change management and as a music reporter lately, like I used to before I became the obsession of enraged envious women in France, then eating flesh columnists in Canada, so-called writers in more specifically the province of Québec, but this will change for the best, you have to give karma a hand sometimes.

When you go through a phase of vulnerability because you’re being harassed by cheap competitors and loonies who sit at the pool drinking and spying on people with real abilities, other parasites gather around. Some individuals you considered almost like family will take bites, while you’re still alive, then laugh about you trying to come back to life, as if you were dead and your remains had to feed them some more. Yes, it’s quite a sad description of the truth, and I am not censoring the horror movie that life can be. Seems like you can become powerful being fair, but as soon as you start making good money or showing new products that can get you good earnings and more notoriety, the loonies get angry. Envy makes people ugly and creepy.

Sadly, many will try to reinvent the image of what is left in connection to you after you went trough hell saving them while saving yourself. A reputation is never made of a single entity floating in space, it is a constructed existence based on personal investments and past relationships, successful collaborations that made building something great possible. It is tragic in fact, for you mostly, since you lost your precious energy and money, your years of hard work and dedication were useless, you lost the love you used to get and stopped expecting. You simply don’t get the work opportunities you deserve, because some sociopaths decided to use you and abuse you and they are still out there opening their big mouths. 

The image some are trying to project, in good intentions for themselves not for you, is not really saving you, it’s making them look good using you. And maybe you gave some of them a hard time going trough war and they have to clean the crime scene, but war was never your choice, it was theirs. Now, you just don’t get the life you worked for and no one really cares about your happiness, everyone is on mission to make big money, which is absolutely normal, they just strangely like to make it look legitimate in their cases, but not in yours. Go figure!

Being strong can be a lonely road 

Love is rare, and usually they don’t choose you if you don’t have all the criteria on their checklist. Also, the whole thing has to be magically somehow reciprocated, you have to choose them too!  (I’m not talking about the awful delusional small individuals expecting a victim slave to adore them while they belittle her through pointing out some characteristics that actually apply to them personally, but it’s ok when it’s them. Not talking either about the thugs with inflated egos and trashy pick up lines).

Your career can be the only safe path and maybe serendipity somehow along the way will bless you with love. And even though, envious people will come to trash your road, and love is unlikely to happen when you’re busy dealing with parasitic cheap disloyal competition. Anyway, you see proud people talking about being in a new supposedly awesome relationship and when you look closer, it’s just another business association, and maybe they can be in denial (at least one of them) or lie to themselves and the public, but we know it’s a show and a super ugly one! 

Self-care is the best mentality

You don’t get out of a fight all clean with no bruises, the virtual is exactly like reality when it comes to a battle, it changes you, it hurts you, you don’t look all pretty and pampered at the end. Prince charming coming to save you in a limousine, to see how you’ve been trough all the hurt, doesn’t exist. You get some attention from selfish people instead, they want to play a sick game and get something out of your visibility, because you’re still quite vibrant even though a little scratched (but hey, we all have scars, it’s no big deal after all). You’re not offered business contracts and no gentleman is taking you out to dinner. 

Suddenly, I don’t feel like Carrie anymore, I just feel like me, completely lucid about what they did to me and how much I want to make them pay for it. Sadly, it’s not a battle in real life, and I can’t just punch back to make them black out.

You also get the unwanted attention of unwanted weirdos like a has been who flirts with himself thinking he looks like Denzel. You block him and he acts like he didn’t get the hint, focused on using you for online fun, because he was in some series you will not watch and he wants you to promote it for free. So, you write about it after tweeting him more than 3 times to stop. When a man wants to get to know a woman, he asks for a meeting or a date, he doesn’t invade, feeling entitled, like breaking the door is an option and the intrusion is simply to be subtly covered up by posting cute pictures with sick children in a hospital. 

No, you don’t look good, you look like a crook. Isn’t it true that someone’s voice can become super annoying when he gets on your nerves? Ok! You gave money to charity, did you give me any? No. So, why are you imposing yourself? You barged into my poetry scene, you decided it was about you, so get lost now and forever. People don’t get real crushes anymore, they fake crushes for some mind games and unnecessary cheap thrills. Immaturity is a persistent disease. 

So you’re not powerful when it comes to love, but you are not powerless either, otherwise you wouldn’t attract those big shots with less courage than it takes to really get close to you. And real class is missing too; why pretend to be in connection with someone and not make a real connection instead? It’s called leeching off somebody, and what a shame to be doing that when you already have all the money and fame you need. Well, life goes on, I’m still planning on living my best life, because what is mine is mine, and no one can take my beauty, my creativity and my thirst away from me.

I will not let the past win

Unravelling old trauma is not always necessary. Anxiety triggered by the psychoanalytical disposition of an authority figure (never truly completely sane, because no one is, and sometimes those psycho-analysts are even more disturbed than you can yourself be when in crisis or just seeking some help) whom you need to blindly trust and open up to in order to purify yourself from trauma. That old disturbing outdated kind of therapy that teaches us a guilt to eternally carry is hurtful to freedom of speech and self-awareness. 

Therapy is about believing that you can start fresh and trust yourself to succeed, because no one is perfect. Moralizers hurt us with their judgments, and we often end up discovering what they fiercely hide: imperfections in addition to the need to hurt others in order to feel powerful. I will be me, I am more than satisfied of what I can bring to the best tables.

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