Self-care will get you a real date .. maybe

You can’t find love if being strong made you powerless ..

(By Hella Ahmed) I am writing a whole book about that, so I will not be pouring everything in this paper since I have a few copycat stalkers who can’t mind their own business instead of collecting something to re-write directly from my websites, my manuscripts (spying has become a real tool for plagiarists) or my Substack page. Let’s go back to the real subject of this piece: Love and connection. I can’t help but feel a little like Carrie in Sex and the city writing this, and I was never a fan of that monologue of hers, reading a piece, I used to just drift away or press fast forward to cut right to the action parts. I realized, again today, that it is much easier to dive back into the unreal word, longing for a virtual entity, than deal with what a lot of men bring to what is called “the game of love”.

Online love happens

Couples meet on apps, they do. They get along, start actually dating, not just hanging out, and end up getting married. I am personally in a phase where I lost hope about dating, because I choose the organic way to meet, but I still do believe that an online little spark can be a start for something bigger. Although, I am not meeting anybody right now, and it’s been like that for quite sometime. Meeting prospects with real potential doesn’t seem possible for me at this time: I am not travelling, I am not working in an environment that values me and is presenting me with care and respect for collaborations with other work environments, like in the past when I was a change management coach, right before I became the obsession of enraged envious women is France, then wanting to be better columnists, eating flesh in Canada, so-called writers in more specifically the province of Québec.

When you go through a phase of vulnerability, because you’re being harassed by cheap competitors and loonies who sit at the pool drinking and spying on people with real abilities, other parasites gather around, some individuals you considered almost like family will take bites, while you’re still alive, then laugh about you trying to come back to life, as if you were dead and your remains had to feed them some more. Yes, it’s quite a sad description of the truth, and I am not censoring the horror movie that life can be. Seems like you can become powerful being fair, but as soon as you start making good money or showing some new products that can make those earnings and more notoriety possible, the loonies get angry, and they come to trash the lonely road that led you to the possibility of great success. Envy makes people ugly.

Sadly, many will try to reinvent the image of what is left in connection to you, after you went trough hell saving them while saving yourself, just because a reputation is never made of a single entity floating in space, it is a constructed existence based on personal investments and past relationships, successful collaborations that made building something great possible. It is tragic in fact, for you mostly, since you lost your precious energy and money, your years of hard work and dedication, the love you used to get and stopped expecting. You simply don’t get the work opportunities you deserve, because some sociopaths decided to use you and abuse you, and they are still out there opening their big mouths. The image some are trying to project, in good intentions for themselves mostly, is not really saving you, it’s making them look good using you. And maybe you gave them a hard time going trough war and they have to clean the crime scene, but war was never your choice. Now, you just don’t get the life you worked for, so love is unlikely to happen, and no one really cares about your happiness, everyone is on mission to earn money, which is absolutely normal, they just strangely like to make it look legitimate in their own cases, but not in yours. Go figure!

Being strong can make you almost powerless

You never get out of a fight all clean with no bruises, the virtual is exactly like reality when it comes to a battle, it changes you, it hurts you, you don’t look all pretty and pampered at the end. Prince charming coming to save you in a limousine, to see how you’ve been trough all this mess, doesn’t exist. You get some attention from selfish people instead, they want to play like cats manipulating a hurt mouse, to suck something out of your visibility, because you’re still moving, maybe convulsing. You’re not offered business contracts, and no gentleman is taking you out to dinner. Suddenly, I don’t feel like Carrie anymore, I just feel like me, completely lucid about what they did to me and how much I want to make them pay for it. Sadly, it’s not a battle in real life, and I can’t just punch back to make them black out.

You also get the unwanted attention of weirdos like a has been who flirts with himself thinking he looks like Denzel. You block him and he acts like he didn’t get the hint when he in fact did. Focused on using you for online fun, because he was in some series you will not watch and he wants to promote it for free using you. So, you write about it after tweeting him to stop 3 times. When a man wants to get to know a woman, he asks for a meeting or a date, he doesn’t invade, feeling entitled, like breaking the door can be an option, and the intrusion is to be subtly covered up by posting supposedly cute pictures. No, you don’t look good, you look like a crook. Isn’t it true that someone’s voice can become a huge turn off when he gets on your nerves? A voice as irritating as E*loNz stuttering. Ok! You gave money to charity, did you give me any? No. So, why are you imposing yourself? You barged into my poetry scene, you decided it was about you, so take this: get lost now and forever. People don’t get real crushes anymore, they fake crushes for some mind games and unnecessary cheap thrills.

So you’re not powerful when it comes to love, but you are not powerless either, otherwise you wouldn’t attract those big shots with less courage than it takes to really get close to you. And real class is missing too; why pretend to be in connection with someone and not make a real connection instead? It’s called leeching off somebody, and what a shame to be doing that when you already have all the money and fame you need. Well, life goes on, I’m still planning on living my best life, because what is mine is mine, and no one can take my beauty, my creativity and my thirst away from me. The fountain of youth is just a cool bar in a Maldives villa where I will be drinking all the nectars I want, looking at fishes floating in the sky, just me, myself and I, and if a Burna Boy alike shows up, we’ll go dancing.

Self-care is the best mentality

A lot off suffering is caused by the lack of organic interaction between people open to dating, seeking a meaningful connection. We live in the narcissism era due to the digital and the filters altering our perception of what we look like or think we should look like. It often comes to mind games and ego trips when people get together and try to become close, thinking about what might have happened or can happen behind their backs, as if cheating was a new thing, mostly caused by the exhibitionism of women. No one cheats by accident; you don’t just slip on a banana peal and end up in someone. The real world is wicked, projecting your needs and hopes will not make a con man, acting like he really gets you, the real one for you.

I think that it is self-care that can save us from savage capitalism and the violence of abuse. We already know by literature how to dig to understand the roots of self-abnegation of a cultural or religious nature, of heritage trauma, traumatic education and repeated abuse, but we need to learn to reboot faster. Making self-care the principle, forgetting about intrusive humans and their needs, ego trip, avidity, just focusing on our own existence in nature, as part of this world, is becoming aware again, or for the first time at last, of a non-negotiable value. We meet others differently when we truly get to have that mindset, our system is aligned, we don’t struggle to make the best choices that are compatible with our well being and self-respect, asserting our boundaries and drawing the line when needed.

I will not let the past win

Unravelling old trauma is not always necessary, or even worse; fantasized trauma. Anxiety triggered by the psychoanalytical disposition of an authority figure (never truly completely healthy, because no one is, and sometimes even more sick that you can yourself be) whom you need to blindly obey to purify yourself from trauma (that old therapy teaches us the continuation of a guilt to carry as proof of the importance of the past and hierarchy) is hurtful to freedom of speech and true self-awareness. Therapy is about believing that you can start from fresh and trust yourself to succeed, because no one is perfect. A lot of moralizers hurt us with their judgments, and we often end up discovering what they were hiding: imperfections in addition to the need to hurt others in order to gain power. I will be me, I am more than satisfied of what I can bring to the best tables.

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