I like to talk about love, a lot. It’s a beautiful story to tell in different tunes, I make it pieces of colours, sounds and poetry. I handle the fragments gently and spread them so maybe they keep flourishing here and there. That being said, the truth is ever since I realized that being an adult was never meant to be easier than being a teenager, I knew that making my art a powerful one and becoming an author with a real voice, not the copy of a true one, was my priority. It was not the search for love anymore, not having expectations to maybe never be met, because I looked for love and stopped.

I watched “Your place or mine?” the other day and I got bored since it seemed too unreal. Of course, it was a movie but I couldn’t relate at all to the main character who was about my age. She has a great male friend doing everything possible to make her life better and filled with happiness, then she meets a charming man in New York who takes her out to diner and offers her the work position of her dreams. These things do not happen in real life, not to me anyway. Men turn into needy cry babies when they want to connect to me, and I don’t want to link, I am in a hustle mode, I can only exchange my brainy services for money, that’s my unique offer for now.

I’ve had a few stalkers in my life, the ones when I was younger were sexual predators and misogynists. The ones I have now are other kinds but misogyny is never far from being the backbone of the problem: men stealing ideas to fill their empty spaces, thinking I have to be their auxiliary brain, an intellectual slave. And copycat stalkers women obsessed with becoming me, angry about the fact that I get a lot of attention from powerful men who never want to make my life better, strong characters who become passive-aggressive, taking from me and laughing about it like perverts. I am not interested in learning about the opinions of boring individuals who sadly believe that I am obligated to be impressed by their blabbing around, they give me headaches. I mean it’s easy: step up, don’t be arrogant and abusive, or stay away.

I think that the way I was raised made me learn to be a feminist in the wrong way, I was basically told that I had to stay zen while being abused and violated, so I thought for too long that I had no right to complain about the selfishness, cruelty and harassment of men, that I needed to be strong anyway and become independent while enduring aggression, disconnected from my feelings and my suffering, bothered by confusing emotions. But the world is mostly ruled by men, and we need the support of nice men who can help and protect us from men and women. It seems like women are more often trying to kill each other acting on their internalized misogyny to make it through than be helpful sisters. Reality tv is filled with drunk women screaming around the table who are supposed to be friends, wives and stars. It’s so useless.

I don’t personally know of one woman who greatly succeeded professionally without getting the help of men who were family or romantic partners, although most women make up versions where they have made it by themselves, not mentioning the support and financing they benefited from. No one can make money without money or become rich on a salary. Truth is, even though you can make it by yourself for the most part, people will come to harass you and take away from you what you have achieved with sacrifice through hardship and misery. You always need support and security to survive. And by the way, it’s not only women changing the story for more glory, men do it too, they forget about mama’s insightful management and family money.

It’s very sad to read that women get abandoned, don’t benefit from good intended protection and thoughtful communication, because they want to be free and act like men. It’s an empty argument, it basically means that men don’t like women who act like them since they don’t like themselves, or does it imply that being an independent woman is way different than being a strong minded man with a good spirit? Are we so different when it comes to decency and respect of limits? Feminism is also about being aware of what a weak masculinity can be: you get to play victim while attempting to demonstrate a fake dedication to open communication. Claiming that women badly treated by arrogant men get it from their attitude is a strategy to justify being mean to outspoken and smart women who seem threatening since they stand up for themselves and don’t obey like slaves.

It’s an easy getaway to accuse women of offensive feminism when they simply dare to clearly demand that narcissists and sociopaths respect limits or keep their distance. Some unwanted fake protection is simply abuse. My unique goal for a long time now has been to be successful and get that great contract that would turn my life around, make all the efforts and fights worth it, but I keep being pursued by selfish people, and the visibility of their idiotic strategic moves is so flamboyant that we all feel ashamed for them while they stumble on rejection and keep repeating the same mistakes like nothing just happened. No to fake connection, no to leeching off me, no to being pushy for my recognition while not returning the favour, no to stealing my content to vomit rehashed empty words with a form and no spirit. My brain can’t stand bullshit, so please don’t give me any.

If I could turn back time, I would be more open to getting real support, I would ask for it and make it rule number one, like it has become now. You have to make some rules and stick to them before it’s too late. Most men want to be admired and loved by you when you’re mature but they seem to be obsessed with youth, so they come to you for knowledge but they like to hang out with a younger version of you. I am not generalizing; I am talking about my own experience and making some observations. When you’re young, they pronounce you beautiful and stupid, and when you get older, they make you useful but expired. Nothing changes really when it comes to abuse, the perception of if all and the means are different though. What is even more tragic is that when men want to really help, women fueled by jealousy and envy barge in to sabotage the process.

It’s another valentine’s day with no valentine by my side and it’s frankly deceiving but I am not going to have a meltdown about it or get angry at the symbolism of the event that I like and have always wanted to celebrate but never had the chance to do it yet. I am angry about other things and it has much more to do with the sources of the problem of not feeling free and happy. It’s all about business. Funny how we keep fooling ourselves about the reality of our needs, money can’t buy you happiness say the rich to the poor and the people they want to turn into free promoters of their glory. Success is not just about money but success comes with it and you become free.

It would have been a pleasure to be with a gentleman today, sip champagne on a beautiful beach, feel the warmth of the sun on my cheeks, watch him laugh at my crazy jokes, walk with him to the sunset, relax and forget about the harsh past, sing under the moon like last time I was on vacation, vibrant at three in morning, happy and dreaming about having a genuine hubby by my side. I can make any day a valentine’s day, it takes money, health and love. And honestly, when you have the first two, the third is never too far because you glow different when you feel free, solid and desirable, men love it and you get to choose as they gather around you to flirt.